I am writing to you from Swiss Heaven, where even your wildest dreams come true. I know I am really in Swiss Heaven and not suffering chocolate overdose delusions, because I just renewed my cell phone contract and the monthly fee was about half of what it was before (in the real world). Obviously, that does not happen in actual Switzerland.
Because everything in Switzerland is ridiculously expensive, right? It is true that this cliché is all the more tedious for how accurate it normally is. But here in Swiss Heaven, we enjoy life on a plane of Higher (Budgetary) Consciousness. I can prove this to you with three examples from the last few days:
1) Yesterday, as mentioned, with my 80-franc-per-month, 2-year cell phone contract’s minutes ticking down, my provider, Orange, was offering essentially the same services for only 45 francs. Up here in the clouds, the other big cell phone providers, Swisscom and Sunrise, have also drastically reduced their rates. Unreal.
2) A couple days earlier, my wife, who has graciously accompanied me to Swiss Heaven, joined me for lunch at (what appeared to be) Brasserie du Jura, a fine 182-year-old restaurant in Neuchâtel’s old town. Meals here normally cost around 35 francs per mortal, plus wine, dessert, etc. This day, we enjoyed a delicious plate of traditional regional dishes for 18 francs each. Even after wine, dessert, Armagnac and coffee, the bill was only 79 francs for two! The true miracle was that this lunch seemed inexpensive to me. Clearly, I am now living on Another Plane.
3) Two nights ago, with Easter approaching, my heavenly wife and I rode on a cloud (which looked remarkably like our little regional train) to a neighboring “town” and mingled with mortals in a beautiful church. There, while others paid 15 francs each, we magically paid only 10 (it helps to know an angel), and were led to the first-row pew at the feet of the orchestra and choir, who then proceeded to bless us with an ethereal evening of music on suitably religious themes having to do with Resurrection and Life After Cell Phone Contracts.
Heavenly. And totally Swiss.
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